Seriously though, for the most part, I still feel like the me I was at 15….and yes while I have mastered (okay maybe not mastered) so many grownup ways to act, I truly believe that all of that is pure fakery, behaving the way we are “supposed” to. That doesn’t mean that we run around like wild heathens, I didn’t act like that at 15 either (well possibly on Saturday nights). What I mean is that the heart of us, how we think when we are alone, the goofy side, the weird side, the curious side, it’s still there and I seem to keep waiting for that to change.
Not that I don’t like that it’s still there, it’s been a pleasant surprise and I do NOT want it to EVER go away, but I thought it WOULD. As a youth, I suppose I thought my mind would turn into a “grownup mind” at the stroke of midnight on my eighteenth birthday. And certainly at 35 I expected to FEEL grownup….but I don’t feel that way at all. I feel like a 15 year old doing 35 year old things. When I grab a hair brush and lip sync, bringing forth the duckiest set of duck lips ever, I wonder….does everyone else do this, act “immature” when they are alone (and in my case, often in public)? Because if so, that is fucking AWESOME. For many of the lovely people in my life I can easily see their silly side, because thankfully they don’t do much to keep it concealed. But start thinking of some of the most serious and “responsible” people you know. Those ones that seem to have the best handle on all things grownup-like.
If you could be given the gift of hearing them rap all of the lyrics to Gangsta’s Paradise while at a stoplight or even if you knew their secret favourite cereal is Fruit Loops, wouldn’t that make you feel a hell of a lot more normal? It doesn’t mean I don’t understand that we GROW as people, there is of course a natural progression of wisdom from the years passing by, we gain insight from experiences, and learn acceptable ways to act in a variety of situations, but can we all admit there is a ridiculously goofy teenager lurking just under the surface? Isn’t that why the bars are jam packed with people of all ages on Halloween, a night where we are given permission to be playful?
I think the way of living we have labelled as being a grownup should only refer to being a functional member of society. Out of necessity we need to figure out how make a living, feed ourselves, feed our families and we form preferences…I prefer to have clean clothes, so I do the “grownup” thing of doing the laundry. But we don’t have to become afraid of being 15 sometimes, or 23, or 7 for that matter. So yes, I will do the things, I will drink the coffee, I will pay the bills, I will say things like “how do you do?” and pack the kids lunches and threaten to take their iPads away…..I will do ALL the adulting. But being a grownup in my heart? I don’t want any part of that….it doesn’t seem to be happening anyway. Maybe in twenty more years.